turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Randomize
