where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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