Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
