Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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