You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
