elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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