I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
