Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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