Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
