Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
