I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
