what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
So here I am, sexting at work.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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