WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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