i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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