is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Redeem this text for a blowjob
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
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