You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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