it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
