this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
