We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Randomize
