So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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