something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I just googled if crying burns calories
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
