I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
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