i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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