I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
