I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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