My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
