Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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