Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
