Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
