Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
