i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
