He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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