i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
