She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
