He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
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