i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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