Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Randomize
