I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
