at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
