i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
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