I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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