My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
