worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
