dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
