Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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