I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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