sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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