All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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