I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
