Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
